The Feelings

At times when I was really going through it with Lady, I waited to write or post about it until I had fully processed what was on my mind, until I could summarize my thoughts into universal feelings and experiences. This protected my most personal thoughts, and made content more relatable to a larger audience. Some of these experiences may even be applicable beyond dogs and dog training. I’ve gathered 6 themes that I saw come up in my relationship with Lady time and time again, and that I see others share about too. Regardless of the nuance of our unique dogs and circumstances, we all have so much in common.

The grief of the life we thought we’d have
I was not made aware of Lady’s reactivity before I adopted her. I adopted a dog to get me out of the house, to go hiking and camping with, to take to the dog park to make new friends. I was not prepared for Lady’s reactivity and couldn’t have imagined all the lifestyle changes I’ve had to make. I didn’t want a “problematic” dog. I wasn’t planning on devoting my spare time to learning about behavior science and spending my spare change on medication and training courses. I feel for us dog parents who were blindsided by behavior issues, and possibly even more for those who adopted a puppy, did everything “right”, and still ended up dealing with reactivity due to uncontrollable circumstances. I continuously adjusted and readjusted my expectations for what my life with Lady looked like.

Utter frustration
Frustration with slow progress, with being unable to talk to our dogs, with other irresponsible dog owners. The amount of times I yelled “WHY LADY, WHY?!?” or “JUST STOP!!!” as if she could understand me. Behavior modification only works when we go at our dogs pace, which means we have to release control over how fast change happens. Releasing control requires an unbelievable amount of patience and a high threshold for frustration. I think many people quit using positive reinforcement and resort to aversive tools when progress is slow, as aversives can seem like a quick fix. 

Unconditional love
For their soft heads and sleepy eyes. For their smell and quirky unique personalities. For the joy they experience when you come home and when they gaze into your eyes. The undying love they give right back to us, even stronger, no matter how many times we mess up. All they really want is to be together.

Nervous system overdrive
I experienced such burnout from the hyper vigilance necessary on our walks. Us reactive dog parents have to be completely aware of our environment and prepared for disaster at every corner. I am still, years later, constantly scanning my surroundings, and can spot a dog from a mile away. When I got back to the car after a walk full of close calls and unexpected reactions my hands would shake and my heart would be pounding. I had become dog reactive at this point. If I saw even when Lady wasn’t with me I would still get a little rush of adrenaline, and my stomach would drop if I turned a corner and came face to face with a dog. It was hard to continue to adjust the expectation that having a dog and doing dog things would be my self care, instead of having to do extra self care because caring for my dog was so draining.

Feeling alone and misunderstood
Many of us are the sole people caring for and training our reactive dogs, and some of us are fortunate to have a team. I have many helpful and supportive people in my life, but I am the only one who walked and trained Lady. On top of having this hefty task to myself, I was isolated from all other dogs and dog parents! I knew it was likely Lady would never have playdates, and would definitely never be going to the dog park. And then there were the never ending misunderstandings, of the severity and complexity of her needs, of our training methods, of my dedication to her. The judgement from the parent of the calm dog Lady lost her bananas about. The alienation and resentment of being the only person in the group with a “problematic” dog when everyone else is talking about what a breeze training was while their dogs play together.

Raging passion
To protect and advocate for all reactive and rescue dogs everywhere! Once you know, you know. I struggle to keep my mouth shut when I see other dogs who I know are stressed out or shut down, and can’t help feeling rage when I see someone yank on their dog's prong collar for no reason. There is a time and place to discuss and educate, and a lot of the time, it’s just not my place. When you have a reactive dog you have to learn about dog behavior, body language, and in depth training. If I could rescue all the reactive pitties out there, I would.